I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
