There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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