I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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