Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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