it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
