a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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