You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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