This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
