life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
