Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
