Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
