He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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