Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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