Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
