I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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