I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
