she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
