Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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