I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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