I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize