census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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