Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm jealous of your bromance
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
