I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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