she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Someone shattered a urinal.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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