I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think my moral compass just broke
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