i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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