dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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