i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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