so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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