I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
