I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
