You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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