I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
