Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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