i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
