Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
