I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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