I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize