I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
