He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
