Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Still dying that you shit outside
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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