i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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