She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize