I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
