I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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