Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
