The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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