I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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