I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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