Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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