he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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