I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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