she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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