she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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