...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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